EFF government will be the day a unicorn farts a rainbow

It was a weekend when South Africa’s four super rugby contenders rounded off their pre-season preparations with them all playing each other in super hero outfits in Cape Town. Up north, the Economic Freedom Fighters launched their May 2019 manifesto in Soshanguve.

The Sharks were the Black Panthers, the Bulls Captain America, The Stormers Thor and the Lions were Spiderman. The EFF seemed to be a mash of Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. Captain America got Thor in more ways than one, while the Black Panthers were tangled in Spiderman’s web. Up in Gauteng, the gospel according to Julius was peace and light to all.

If the EFF becomes the next government we can look forwards to a South Africa free of xenophobia, and no more tenders for government business. There’ll also be mandatory 20-year sentences for those convicted of corruption. Half the land will be distributed to the youth and women, education will be free and you’ll be in class – whether you like it or not – until you emerge with an undergraduate degree – with lovely teeth from the free orthodontist. Social grants will double and there’ll be free electricity for those that receive them. Hell, the EFF will even be nice to journalists. 

Floyd Shivambu took time off from throttling journalists to call on South Africa to build its own car saving the money used on importing cars – notwithstanding the EFF’s predilection for imported people carriers and ignoring the fact that SA already makes cars, trucks, busses and even armoured cars for export. 

Irony has never been a Marvel Superhero in this country – it’s certainly lost on the EFF. It was the Teletubby-in-chief whose business relationships put Limpopo under national administration, gifting us the phrase tenderpreneurs. It doesn’t really explain his own road to Damascus in a Soshanguve church the week before that compelled him to conveniently wash his former bete noir, Jacob Zuma, clean of all his sins. 

Columnist Tom Eaton explained it in a single tweet: “If you don’t have the time to read the EFF’s manifesto, here’s a summary:” below was a meme of a unicorn farting a rainbow. The EFF’s right in one respect though, if it does become the government it will create a very egalitarian state; everything will be nationalised and our disgraceful high Gini co-efficient will flatline because we’ll all become have nots.

Like all good things, the fairy tale came crashing down with the EFF dog whistling over the brand-new National Director of Public Prosecutions, Shamilla Batoyi. We all know why. Maybe the thought of that much vaunted 20-year minimum sentence on a grim Monday morning was a bit too close to home. The good news is that there are other ways of making a difference. An English zoo is letting people name cockroaches after their exes for Valentine’s Day for the equivalent of R26.  

Imagine if we could all do that here on Thursday, but for all our worst politicians? With the money we’d raise, we wouldn’t need to vote for the EFF to double social grants.

Originally published by the Saturday Star on 9 February 2019.