Cele will arrest the Easter bunny and lovers at midnight

The Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy are essential workers during the COVID-19 crisis. The South African government’s door-to-door screening for the virus is a ploy to decimate the population. President Cyril Ramaphosa is in cahoots with billionaire Bill Gates via Trevor Noah to use COVID-19 to develop a vaccine for the world – and get richer.

Cabinet ministers now personally collect desperately needed donations of personal protective equipment and COVID-19 is divine punishment against homosexuality.

Pop quiz, which one of these is fake news?

It’s tricky. But let’s start with the easy ones: Gates and Noah aren’t part of the illuminati trying to depopulate Africa and make even more money perfecting a vaccine for the rest of the world, notwithstanding what ATM (the African Transformation Movement not, you might imagine, Automatic Teller Machine) actually believes. That didn’t stop ATM president Vuyo Zungula writing to Ramaphosa requesting an actual meeting this week.

Steven Birch, the Parow realtor who posted a video with an ear bud stuck up his nose in a bid to warn South Africans that COVID-19 screenings will be conducted with virus infected swabs, was released on a warning after being arrested and hauled to court – but not before the Gauteng health department had to issue an appeal to residents to let its inspectors carry out the tests. Undeterred, Birch says he’ll do it again – to protect us.

Communications Minster Stella Ndabeni-Abrahams did have lunch with disgraced former deputy basic education minister Mdu Manana on Sunday, but Manana claims she was actually there to pick up much needed PPE from his foundation. Meanwhile it looks like Ekurhuleni’s executive mayor has also made the odd visit, according to Manana’s Instagram account.

Police minister Bheki Cele, whose officers at one stage during the lockdown stood accused of killing more people enforcing it than COVID-19 actually had, is rapidly segueing into the nanny from hell. Last week he wanted to ban booze in perpetuity. On Sunday (probably while Stella was eating cake) his officers were bundling a bride and groom into a police van for breaching the quarantine. This week he wants the country locked up ad infinitum and a midnight ban on partners kissing in bed.

That’s all just to flatten the curve of the virus. He has yet to speak about how he intends addressing gender-based violence of which, by his own admission, there were 87 000 calls to police in the first week.

In Israel, health minister Yaakov Litzmann and his wife have tested positive for the Coronavirus – a month after he declared it God’s punishment for homosexuality. In New Zealand, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy have actually been declared essential workers – and their health minister has been demoted for going to the beach during the lockdown.

Hopefully no one has told Cele, otherwise he’ll have the bunny arrested and ruin Easter Sunday tomorrow, but then again maybe not. Ramaphosa isn’t the same president we started this Lockdown with, ask Ndabeni-Abrahams, he just quarantined her for two months with one of those without pay. That turned out to be a seriously expensive lunch.

Originally published on the 11 April 2020 in the Saturday Star